January 27, 2012

Taurus

After yet another wild goose chase at the mall, you’ll find yourself penniless and despondent with bags full of crap. When will you learn that shopping will not fill that gaping hole in your soul?

Gemini

People never fail to disappoint, and you are no exception. You’ve given yourself the benefit of the doubt for long enough, and now it’s time to look at the truth. Tomorrow is another day, and you’ll still be a jerk.

Aquarius

Though you’ve always been of the mind that the best way out of any problem is through a pint or two of ice cream, you’ll soon be presented with a situation you won’t be able to eat your way out of.

Sagittarius

Your desire to avoid the people you live with is stronger than your urge to go home. Wander the streets until the cold darkness gets harsh enough and forces you to reconsider your feelings toward them.

Aries

After scrimping and saving and working double shifts for months, you can finally afford those Botox injections that will make you look as relaxed as if you worked half as hard as you do. Hmmm.

Libra

Your fascination with the darker side of life will lead you on an unsavory journey. You’ll end up with good stories to tell, but you’ll never have the occasion, or desire, to tell them. Proceed with caution.

Capricorn

Not so fast. Fad diets rarely work, so if you’re wanting to try something crazy, think again. A sensible meal plan and exercise are all you need to work those flaps of fat and saddlebags off your frame. Try it!

Pisces

When you realize you missed an important deadline this week, you will spend hours dreaming up a plausible excuse. Nonetheless, this will tarnish your reputation for quite a while, and possibly cost you your job.

Leo

Though you’ve always thought that ‘dying of boredom’ was just an expression, today you’ll find yourself in a situation that is so mind-numbingly dull, you’ll truly fear for your life. Dropping dead would be a better option at this point.

Scorpio

You’re so full of inner turmoil and angst, but the reality is, you think it’s way more dramatic than others do. In fact, people don’t really care about your brooding. As far as they’re concerned, you’re an insufferable bore.

Virgo

You’ll be pleasantly surprised when you realize that things aren’t half as bad as you thought they were — but then you’ll realize they’re still twice as bad as you’d like them to be. Poor you. Nothing ever works out, does it?

Cancer

You will have one of those days when your existence doesn’t really seem to matter — it feels as though you just drag your body from place to place as meaningless words fall out of your mouth. Today these feelings are accurate.